For The Betterment of Beer: The Best Beer Inventions (Besides, of course, Beer)

From beer cans with built-in shotgunning tabs on the side to those ridiculous funnel hats "that guy" dons at sports games, beer has kicked opened numerous doors to cheeky inventors since Ancient Egypt. And, while I'd stake my taste for 2XIPAs that Pharaoh never buckled up a beer belt, there have been at least a handful of inventions that have been for the beer-good, inventions that don't focus on consumption, ergonomics (who the hell needs an ergonomic beer can? Screw you, Miller Lite), or air-flow (that's you, Coors!). The best beer inventions either benefit the beer itself, benefit the social aspect of drinking beer, or benefit both. With that in mind, I've opined my favorite of the best recent beer inventions, though, deciding my personal favorites was nothing if not difficult, with hours of schizophrenic self-debate, choosing whether to include the revolutionary Hop Cannon, or the Dogfish Head-Sierra Nevada collab IPA pint glass, or a UK design team's Fight-Friendly beer glass (though benefitting man-kind, let's face it, pub brawls are as British as pubs themselves). So, with no further adieu, the best beer inventions: (plus, honorable mentions and inventions that should never have been):

#1 The Offline Glass (by Mauricio Perussi)

I've lauded this thing in the past, and I'm doing it again. The Offline Glass ranks #1 for me, because, it doesn't just promote, but enforces face-to-face interaction with your friends, as opposed to with your phone. I'm not casting any stones (for I am not without cellphone-sin), but coffee shops and pubs were the original social networks. Thank you, Offline Glass, for helping to keep tongue--not thumbs--the most important muscle in communication. 

#2 Don't Drink and Drive Bottle Crown (by Vasir Breweries)

While there's floating speculation as to the correct name attribution (some sources link the cap to Vasir Breveries--with a "v") and to the production date (an ostensibly sure Facebook commenter traced it to 2006), the irrefutability of this bottle cap lies in its creative message. Pop the top on one of these brews and it's poignantly clear: drunk driving is dangerous. As a sentient being, I couldn't live with having killed someone because I was drunk and behind the wheel; as a beer lover, that instance when I knew my last beer was, indeed, my last... or that someone else may not get to try the next Smuttynose seasonal ale... well, that's a tough sip to swallow.  

#3 Crown Bottle Caps

Speaking of bottle caps, the crown. According to the highly credible-sounding website, Man/Beer Love, the crown beer cap was first patented in the U.S. in 1892 by William Painter. Having been around for 121 years, its novelty has certainly warn off; as has its popularity, thanks to the beer can (1935) and the re-popularizing of beer cans by craft brewers (last decade). But the bottle cap has been an integral part of beer economy since it took the crown, so to speak, from corks. With the linear and necessary invent of bottle cap openers, gift/souvenir shops have stayed afloat through every economic downturn and sky rise. It has likewise led to the cracking, chipping and breaking of many a tooth, thus supporting local dentists everywhere, and "It also reduced the amount of lost eyeballs from freak cork popping accidents." (Man/Beer Love) This, of course, means that the crown bottle cap has not only helped support the economy outside of its own economic threshold, but also aided in the physical wellbeing of many people--something which can't be said for many other inventions, besides, perhaps, soap.

#4 The Koozie

The Simpsons fans thank you, BoozinGear

Ah... the humble koozie. Been around as long as most of us can remember. Shapes, sizes, features, all varying. (Flimsy. Foamy. Bottle-necky.) From cheap to expensive, to koozies demanding a double-take to identify. They come with attached bottle openers and lip balms. There's one from your favorite band, there's one from your favorite charity. Your favorite team has one shaped like a sports jersey. Mass produced for Ron Jon Surf Shops. Custom made, just for you. Koozies are as viral as the latest Justin Bieber video, but don't get annoying. Perhaps that's the secret to their functionality: they're always in demand, and you can never get enough. Keep one in your backpack, keep one in your car (disclaimer: but don't drink in your car); the cooler is always a smart place to keep one, just in case. Keep one at a friend's house (a very, very close friend, whom you trust), but do nothing else if only keep your beer nice and cold. (Disclaimer: it won't stay cold forever. Sip sip there, chap!) 

# 5 Randall Jr.: The lovely concoction, concocted by the Dogfish Head dudes.

Picture: www.gearpatrol.com

Meet Randall Jr., the ($20) single-cylandar next of kin to the infamous flavor-Vader, Randal the Enamel Animal. Dogfish Head Brewery built Randal Jr. as a way for the modest-budget beer lover to enjoy tinkering with flavor alchemy. But first: it seems hypocritical that I laud an invention that distorts the natural taste of beer (for, unlike rapid-oxidation devices for wine, Randal Jr. doesn't enhance beer flavor, but changes it altogether). While the Randall Jr. certainly does a good job of that, it also allows enthusiasts to share in the joyeux de brewing. See, the device works by stuffing the cylinder with various spices, herbs, and other flavors you may want to elope with the taste of the beer before you. Oatmeal stouts are typical; what about an oatmeal ale? What about a pumpkin-cinimon-oatmeal doppelbach? A mango porter? It's up to you. Just pour your beer into the tube, add your choice ingredients, screw on the lid, and pour into your pint glass as you would from a martini shaker. For the price of three beers out on the town, why not order one here, grab a six pack of your favourite beer and have a night off the town to experiment, just see (and taste) what you come up with? (Spoiler alert: getting the perfect flavor ain't easy; Randall Jr. also cultivates a respect for brewers.)

#6 Keggerators

No surprise this made the list. Kegerators stand as the irrefutable impetus of any Man Cave, allowing for some of the best craft beer, on tap, right in your own home. Blossoming all over the world, in record numbers, incipient craft breweries often don't release the hops of their labour in any form other than kegs; it's simply too expensive to mass produce beer without first growing name and reputation. And while most breweries do offer to send you home with a growler--a pittance for your pleas--it's not until a beer gains recognition and, more importantly, request in local watering holes will you likely find its nectars on any shop's shelves.

So, listen, you're done, caput, exhausted, maybe a little humbled and humiliated after a day at work, or maybe it's 2:00 pm... anyway, you traipse over to your mini-fridge, one of the few tangible remnants of the whirlwind days in university, and sigh, relieved to see the tap head protruding from the top. Your toy. Your kegerator. Alas, at last, you pour yourself a silky smooth Nitro Milk Stout, or otherwise unobtainable Funky Buddha Hop Gun. Oh, baby...

#7 Beer Rating Apps/Sites

Beer rating apps have trumped even golith-ical Facebook as the social media in beer milieus. For decades now, we've had great recourses such as Beer Advocate, and RateBeer, and DRAFT. But a quick scroll through your smartphone's app store and you'll find a plethora of beer apps all vying for your download. The one I use is BeerGene, but Pintley Beer, Brewski Me, and Untapped are popular and well-regareded. iRate Beer utilizes the double entendre well, and the banality of Ale Grail's name is also what makes its name so good. Apps have allowed reviewers and cold-hearted critics alike to put in their two cents, as well as allow you to cut back on the number of bar-napkin notes littering your apartment floor. Being an advocate of handwritten notes, I'd love an elaborate and extensive, detailed journal of all the beers I've had, categorized in some OCD fashion. Maybe in the future, but for now, I love my beer app, especially as it exposes me to more beers, allowing me to see what others have rated highly. No matter what, though, I beg you heed my advice: use in conjunction with The Offline Glass. Or better yet, don't pedantically critique the beer you're drinking right now with that girl you're damn lucky to have a date with in the first place. It can wait, mate. It can wait.

#7 Sonic Hour

After much thought, I bumped this up from the Hon. Mentions to the arbitrary #7 position. My initial reaction to Sonic Hour was, "Whoa! Is every Japanese commercial like this?" Then I was overcome with a disgusting sense of materialism. Seriously? Someone invented this? A glorified beer vibrator? You know what else foams a flat-lining beer? Bopping the neck of your buddy's and watch it overflow. But every product on this post intends to better human-human interaction. H2H, baby! With this in mind, I envisaged a recent future trip to Japan, wherein a buddy and I walk into a Taito-district sushi bar, down a few Tempora Squid rolls and a couple Sapporos. Belly full and mildly buzzed, our last round goes down a little slower than the previous five. Gathering that we might not belly the final few ounces, our stereotypically hot-yet-coy Japanese waitress hovers over and places a Sonic Hour under each our pints and -- vvvvvrrrrrrr, instant head. No really: a frothy, like-new layer of malty foam materializes and reinvigorates our palate. We quaff what's left and burst out the restaurant doors and navigate through Tokyo lights and Hello Kitty propaganda.

Honorable Mentions

Craft Beer Map

The real map, with zoom feature, is definitely worth a look. Look here, you can see it.

Screw bonding with a parent or friend. Screw retracing Steinbeck's Travels with Charlie. And (for your own safety more than anything)  screw that shitty map-app Apple Maps. If you want to head out on four wheels in search of America, may your hopped-up (pun intended) taste buds be your beacon, and may Pop Chart Lab's extensive Beer Map be your guide. A comprehensive 36" x 27" cartographic work of art, the map literally pin-points all the micro-breweries in America, circa 2011-2012, I'm guessing. Now, anyone who really knows craft beer is going to zoom to the location of his favorite beer, and be immediately perturbed at not finding it on the map. Let me soothe: The map has no designated county boundaries or natural landmarks; locating the exact geographic position is actually a little harder than it seems, especially in districts with no paucity of brewpubs and microbreweries. One hasty commenter named Weslie James on FastCo.Design harangued: "Of all the infographics that I've seen and loved on FastCompany, this one is by far the worse. How can you have these magnified sections and not have St. Louis, perhaps the brewing capital of the U.S.? You can't throw a rock without hitting a brewery." Hey Wes -- can I call ya Wes? -- see that cluster of Breweries in east-central Missouri? with Schlafly, O'Fallen, Cathedral Square, 2nd Shift, and, for no legitimate reason on a craft beer map, Anheuser Busch? Would that be the St. Louis you're looking for? But it's not all Wes' falt. For all that ostensibly went into this map, Pop Chart Labs should have put in a little more, or at least added a time-sensitive disclaimer to clear its good name. There are WAY more than 1000 breweries in America. Hell, I think Total Wine carries about 800. But, this environmentally friendly road-trip double-dog-dare would definitely hang nicely above that kegerator map in your basement man cave, maybe with a little You Are Here flag pin indicating which brewery you currently have on tap. 

Hydro Flask

Though certainly for the betterment of beer, the un-exclusiveness of the Hydro Flask Growler bears it honorable mention only. That, and it's $50 price tag. But what you get for that fifty dollars is a durable metal cask, vacuum sealed to keep your beer cool for a ridiculous 24 hours. (According to one test, after 24 hours the beer temperature was up from 44F to about 62-63F... not cold, but not hot; perfect for a Guinness.) But, it lacks exclusivity on two fronts: you can put practically any liquid, hot or cold, in the Hydro Flask, so it really isn't a beer growler; and it bears no mark of beer, let alone a specific brewery. This isn't bad; from a consumer point of view, it's omnifarious. But your favorite microbrewery is less than likely to fill up your flask without an identifier, something saying "Hey, dude, I drink Due South!" The boldness and enormity of standard growlers (64oz), typically boasting the brewery's emblem, is marketing leverage. Perhaps in high-brewery-density cities it may fly, or with a well-established brewery. A list of supporting establishments is on the company's website, but it's a far cry from the +1000 that are out there.

The Beer Belly

Silly as this thing is -- and as much as I wanted to omit it -- I have to admit, with the exorbitant price of ball-park suds, The Beer Belly is a conscious effort by swindlers, scalawags, and shysters to get justice where justice is due: Beer. And with obesity skyrocketing worldwide, no matter how popular the Beer Belly gets, no Saturday security guard is going to question the euphemistic keg you're carrying. But in fact, it's damn close to a keg. Sip away you sneaky pete, sip away. 

Bad for Beer

Twist off tops

I love hearing this when I hand a friend a beer: "Oh, ow, shit! It's not a twist-off..." That's because no good beer comes with a twist-off cap, you dip. Not only are twist-off bottle caps the telltale sign of cheap beer, they inhibit creativity with opening bottles. College didn't teach you how to crack a cap with a lighter; desperation and perseverance did. Be creative. And drink good beer.

Macro-breweries 

Completely disregarding that they're bad for start up breweries, they belie the public to believe drinkability is more important than taste... which has bred a massive denizen of egotistical, agro-American, W.W.E. fans to whom Miller High Life is premium beer. (More or less the equivalent of a "music aficionado" whose favorite composer is Miley Cyrus.) If macro-breweries put as much time and money into brewing their beer as they did into marketing slightly varied cans and bottles every other quarter, then "piss-water" wouldn't be the most widely used adjective in describing them.

Bud Lite Strawbarita 

You know how sometimes you do something so stupid, so rediculously moronic that the only way to save face is to laugh at how stupid and moronic you are? HAHAHA! the Strawbarita! No one would  willfully drink that outside a Jersey Shore pool party. Because Budweiser mucked up so bad with Bud Lite, they had to play it off as tastelessly as possible.

I leave you now with wise words...

"Good people drink good beer." Hunter S. Thompson